the naive key west

about eight weeks ago i was presented with an opportunity to coach a four day soccer camp at key west high school in key west, fl. being a mid-westerner without much beach exposure except for the rare visit since moving to fort myers, fl and the gulf shores ten months prior, i was what most would still consider a virgin or at the most, one with a freshly popped cherry. i quickly jumped on the chance to work in "the conch republic." "why not" i asked, the camp would cover everything; free housing, free food, free beer, free water sports, and most of all, free experiences. all i had to do was get myself down there.

i was quick to rule out flying in order to jump on two more leisurely modes of transportation, drive roughly six hours along us-41 through the everglades, merge right onto us-1, then transverse the overseas highway or to take the three and a half key west express boat ride direct from fort myers beach to key west's city bright historic harbor on the island's north by northeast side. fearing a late night on thursday followed by a sun's blinding glare off the straits of florida, i chose the touristic water carriage along with birthday goers, bachelors, and deep pocketed snow-birds who seemed to have mixed up their seasons a bit while looking for the cocoon type uphoria from a trip to free flowing key west. for $151.00 and $5 per day parking, you spend about the same on gas for a solo traveler along with the peace of mind in knowing you can travel  free of responsibility for a few hours as long as you can stomach the waves, bumps, and oil that make up the gulf of mexico.

the trip was highly anticipated, however, once on the boat i made contact with the camp's organizer who mistakenly scheduled me to the following week. after some back and forth questioning on who's mistake the mishap was (for the record it was a major clusterfuck of mishaps) i quickly transformed my thought process to vacation mode. we agreed that i would receive all the perks as the other coach who was down there for the week without the pay check or responsibilities of coaching (my decision). two hours after the news vacation and travel mode had fully set in and i was ready to discover why key west had earned the reputation that it had.

day one (second half of day one)

upon finding my hotel, casablanca, on the 900 block of duval street, i found myself walking into la crêperie (for you parisian spring), a french crêpe restaurant off petronia street. i sat myself at the only open seat in the joint...right at the bar with a full view of the chef and her opporations. i ordered the ratatouille in honor of a great animated film (for you southern charm in the city). delicious and a great way to get out of the heat mind you. one thing you might need to take note off is that they only accept cash which is not something i usually keep handy. maybe that is my fault for relying too heavily on plastic monetary exchange. i personally blame monopoly electronic banking edition and their new credit transaction system which we used to play on the bus during soccer road trips in college.

after a nap i went to exploring the terrain a bit which a quick walk up towards the north end of duval street. on my return trip i decided i was in much need of a cold beer to combat the continental usa's southernmost sun. i began looking for any place with people at the bar and somewhere that beckoned conversation. as i arrived closer to my hotel i turned into a place i remember a friend mentioning, 801 bourbon bar.

*before you look you should really read further

call it my mid-west naive upbringing or my blatant oblivion to my surroundings, but i drank two beers and spend around an hour and a half at this bar without noticing the absurdly obvious. and please do not mistake this for homophobia or anything against the gay population but i like girls, i like girls a lot, a whole lot. but without my realization all of this happened:

1) karaoke was being sung at 5:00 in the evening

2) my first encounter was from a twinkle eyed transvestite as i walked to the restroom

3) above trany walked behind me, slid her, his, her hand from one shoulder across my back and began instigating conversation asking "where are your from darling?"

"cincinnati originally but now i live in fort myers" i returned.

"aren't you adorable."

i wisely add "well i will tell my parents they did well."

she then proceeded to introduce me to her friend kyle who was clearly on the other team.

4) man who has now sat down next to me asks how i was doing then adds "i am glad i had walked in. we saw you about an hour ago and were hoping you would come in. you looked like a model out there."

*now ordered second beer: i know i know but i still had no clue*

5) latin man (maybe cuban) approaches me and mumbles something while shaking my hand. after indicating i did not understand, he writes on napkin "i let you choose from any number massage professional."

i politely decline and continue on with my yuengling.

6) man in number 4 kisses another man

then it hits me, not from all the happenings above, but from a slightly different context clue. i realized that it was a bit odd that this bar had open mic karaoke going on this time of day and nobody was drunk. from my accounts, one two type of people can do karaoke in this fashion; the asians (mainly japanese and koreans) and the homosexuals.

i started to take closer note of my surroundings, transvestites, kissing men, puckering lips as if to portray an annoyed expression or "exCCCuuuusssseee me" type of saying, and the all telling rainbow equality flag on the back on a man's motorized wheelchair.

it was then i knew my time to leave was an hour and a half ago.

i made my way across the street to the irish pub connected to my hotel figuring that 1) i was a bit famished and could use some good cooking and 2) it was be a straight man's sanctuary. upon walking in and sitting down at the bar a safe two stool distance from the closest males, i ordered the manly cold beer to add growth to my trimmed, not shaved which i thought would clearly protray the straight in me, man of a chest. after a few safe non-sexual exchanging of words to the straight men (they were irish so i know they were 100% hetero) who had nodded in acknowledgment and gratitude that i abided by the two stool bar rule, i ordered food.

that is when it hit again. i was flanked on the other side by a man who only left one stool between us two as to say, "hey i'm going to ignore the two stool distance because i am sorta, kinda into you even though i know your straight, but i'm inquiring to see if maybe you'd want to dabble in an amtrak sort of trip with myself and life partner/significant other tonight."

i was not falling for it this time, i had grown in my street cred and became more savvy since my caddy-corner walk across the street from the 801 to the bogart pub. i quickly responded to his opening remark with a story about a fictitious story of my made-up girlfriend who i very much liked because of her perky assets. i dodged the bullet this time.

the night ended with a solo hopping of bars up and down duval street before retiring to the comfort of a twin bed at casablanca hotel. i had too many close calls for one night.

if you go:
stay:
casablanca at bogart's
904 duval street
key west, fl, usa 33040
305.296.0815
specs. quiet hotel in the dead center of duval street. one block away from truman ave and highway 1, in the backyard of the hemmingway house, key west cemetary, and mallory square. bogarts bar is open until four for a quick stumble home.

eat:
la crêperie
300 petronia street
key west, fl, usa 33040
specs. french crêpes from a breton chef ranging from nutella, strawberry, and banana to proscuitto, egg, and swisss...bring cash

world famous 801 bourbon bar
801 duval street
key west, fl, usa 33040
specs. great for homosexual crowd, girls night out, or guys secure enough to go with dates looking to get some